Someone That I Used to Know

Someone That I Used to Know 

 

It seems that becoming someone that I used to know has become the theme... 

Kinda makes me wonder why I even bother to try anyway... 

I’m beginning to think that making friends is overrated especially with everyone’s inability to be honest and real, makes me want to scream... 

I’m tired of putting time and effort into people that are just going to ghost and go away! 

 

People I never thought would ghost me, even promised they wouldn’t; are now on the someone that I used to know list... 

Some, it is whatever, but some of them really hurt and were huge blows... 

Some, I probably shouldn’t; but will always hope they come back because they will be dearly missed... 

But what sucks the most is the depression knocking on my door, and feeling like I don’t matter, I’m sure it Shows! 

 

-Angela Stull 

Four Days

Four Days 

I spent four days alone with my thoughts, thinking, dissecting, and reflecting. 

A painful process; lonely, depressing, frustrating and liberating all wrapped up in a messy little package. 

Four days on a solo camping trip, forcing me to face the chaos in my mind; organize it and strategize how to rid my life of the negativity my brain has been detecting. 

Nature therapy easing the strain of reality, helping me to focus on how to improve rather than on the hurt and rage! 

 

With hour days of solitude to straighten out the emotional and mental files, getting a grasp on the chaos within. 

Separating delusion from reality, truth possibility from wishful thinking. 

Using the peaceful four days to shift through the emotional pit of memories and thoughts, feeling each as it passed, lingering on the more pleasant, wondering where they have been. 

Forcing myself to accept the painful truths I have been avoiding, refusing to see; that had me sinking. 

 

It took four days of talking things out with the animals and trees, to accept the situation and prepare to go toe to toe with toe with my fears. 

Still unable to break a promise I made, but unwilling to accept mistreatment that has thus far come with it. 

Only four days was needed though more would have been nice; for when one is alone with their thoughts and feelings, the fog usually clears. 

Allowing for acceptance, closure, and clarity to replace the denial, need to hold on, and dreams; leaving only the real shit! 

 

-Angela Stull 

I Choose Me

I Choose Me 

I choose me; I am no longer putting everyone before myself and what I need. 

I choose me; I am no longer going to allow myself to be used or settled for. 

I choose me; it is time for me to put my own needs first; I am done letting others cut me and watch me bleed. 

I choose me; I am no settling for half assed or one-sided love so if that is all you have to offer; there’s the door! 

 

I choose e; I have done a lot for others, and I will still help when I can, but I am doing for me now. 

I choose me; which means finding someone that matches my effort, someone looking to stick around for the long haul. 

I choose me; I pick happiness and peace, and I will achieve that somehow. 

I choose me; I am done putting myself last, I am over being nothing more than a booty call! 

 

I choose me; there will be no more staying once I am made to feel like I am not important or that my feelings do not matter. 

I choose me; far too long, I have swallowed my pride and kept my mouth shut. 

I choose me; I am not taking any more shit or ignoring my pain; I am tired of being treated like a mad hatter. 

I choose me; I am becoming selfish when it comes to my needs, especially in love, no more ignoring my gut. 

 

I choose me; I choose to love and be loved; I need a partner in life not just in bed. 

I choose me; coming first seemed foreign to me, but I no longer see it that way. 

I choose me; no matter how much I love someone, I am no longer staying if doing so makes more of a mess in my heart and my head. 

I choose me; I will always be here to listen and help where I can, but I need to be with someone who wants to stay! 

 

I choose me; my needs and my mental health are taking center stage from now on. 

I choose me; no more crying, wondering what is wrong with me, why I am so unlovable.  

I choose me; I am done being worried about speaking my mind, if that is too much for some, I guess they will be gone. 

I choose me; I am over putting other people’s happiness and feelings above my own; especially those who don’t love me but find me doable. 

 

I choose me; my happiness, my feelings, my needs; making myself the priority. 

I choose me; I love myself too much to keep being put last and used. 

I choose me; focusing on my life and my future, from now on, I am no longer afraid to say no with authority. 

I choose me; I am no longer a door mat, a rehabilitation center or a fuck buddy; I am over being abused! 

 

From now on I put myself first; I choose me!! 

 

-Angela Stull