Hate My Brain

 Hate My Brain 

I can honestly say that many times, I hate my brain; how it can completely ruin my day. 

I can be feeling confident, on top of the world, and be brought to my knees with a single thought. 

No warning, no chance to protect myself; my mind has complete control, I have no say. 

It can tear me down, leave me crumbled, smoldering in the ashes; reminding me of every lost battle I fought! 

 

Today I hate my brain and how it has me thinking I am fooling myself; that everyone was right, and I’ll never amount to anything. 

Nor will I ever be worthy of being loved by someone so good; someone with a golden heart. 

Replaying every cruel think ever said to me, the rejections I have lived through, all the times I have been discarded or ghosted; renewing the painful sting. 

One triggered thought and my mind goes on a tangent, destroying my happiness with the endless bombs of negativity it throws my way, breaking me apart. 

 

I hate my brain, the onslaught of depressive memories; unwelcome and unwanted, threatening my sanity and my peace. 

I try to fight back even knowing it’s a fight I can’t win because it’s a battle that never ends. 

It’s an endless war inside my head, one that will rule my life forever, ruining countless happy days and beautiful moments; with self-doubt and insecurities that never cease. 

Leaving my happiness in dust whenever it starts to build back up; with the memories and negative thoughts it sends. 

 

I hate my brain and my inability to control it or even redirect it once the fight starts. 

It can’t be turned off or argued with because it’s ammo never runs out. 

Having lived the life of the black sheep, the unwanted one, there is no lack of firing power to aim at the one not found in any hearts. 

All I can do is try to hold my own, stand my ground and let the bullets rain down on me; taking each reopened scar with a battle cry shout! 

 

-Angela Stull