As the Snow Falls

As the Snow Falls 

As the snow falls outside, blanketing the world in a white blanket of silence; the chaos within my mind wreaks havoc on me. 

The thoughts louder and more damaging, bringing with them the heaviness if depression; weighing me down. 

As the snow falls outside, bringing with it a quiet deadly beauty; the chaos in my mind is setting off bombs no one can hear or see. 

Challenging my ability to pretend to be okay, wondering if I’m really fooling anyone or just looking like a clown. 

 

As the snow falls, a winter wonderland appears, covering the blemishes that mark the land, hiding them beneath its prettiness. 

Just as I hide the damaging thoughts and depression beneath a smile that doesn't reach my eyes. 

Not burdening those around me with the pain my brain brings upon me every day, as it drills into me that my life isa fucking mess. 

Reminding me that I’m in this on my own, everyone fighting their own battles, not wanting to be bothered by me and would turn on me in an instant, even go as far as spread lies. 

 

As the snow falls, covering the world with silent beauty that has the potential for great danger to the unexpecting. 

Thoughts swirl in my head, threatening to tear apart any happiness I may have found and any ideas that things might start to go my way. 

Never letting me forget that I’m in this alone, meant to struggle, to live a lonely existence of survival; reminders that didn't need reflecting. 

Leaving me wondering if anyone will ever stick around, since my life has been full of people that haven't even blinked as they walked away. 

 

As the snow falls outside, hiding all the ugly from sight, creating an illusion of beauty and grace. 

The chaos within my mind hides behind the laughs that are half-hearted and the fake smile I wear. 

The constant destruction in my head, hidden from the world, no one really knowing the pain I suffer or the demons I face. 

Wouldn’t matter if they did, I was taught from a young age that my feelings are insignificant, they don't matter, and no one will care. 

As the snow falls outside, giving some happiness and causing some to be grumpy at the inconvenience and cold. 

I feel more alone than I have in a long time, knowing my phone will stay silent, my schedule remaining open; no plans to see anyone. 

Spending my time lost in my writing and art to keep myself from feeling the familiar pang of loneliness that clings to me like mold. 

Keeping myself busy, as thoughts like earth shattering quakes go off in my brain, telling me if I don’t reach out first, I will hear from no one! 

 

As the snow falls outside, I feel so much like it; only wanted by some for fun, but in all actuality; a burden to most. 

Weighing heavy on those that have to be in my life and being left behind by those that only wanted me around for fun. 

I am more an inconvenience than an asset and that is how I’ve always been treated; coast to coast. 

Yet I am still here and will continue to push forward, to survive, even on my own despite living with this depression that weights a ton! 

-Angela Stull